it is the nights
that are most difficult
waiting
wanting
for the morning
that brings your voice
it is the nights
that are long
sleepless
restless​
hoping for a world
where 1+1=1
it is the nights
it is the nights
it is the nights
when darkness
grips my heart
renders me incapable
until the dawn
returns you to me
d. james
a state of being
closed off to other
possible outcomes
a place of right
might
fight
where trouble lurks
and there is no soul
a safe place
where one finds
simplistic comfort
only in its opposite
is there any hope
or chance of stumbling
upon the world as it is
and not as we want it to be
(D James)
rummaging around the ruins
of a failed system
with nothing left to buy
and even less to sell
worrying about the weather
and the dow jones industrial index
as if it matters to our souls
and whether they can still be saved
these fallible indicators
are not merely implausible
but are “out of time”
when false gods
ruled through commerce
and promises of a better life
the buying and selling
of currencies currency
ultimately believing in a technology
that would deliver us from evil
we can only hope
there be nothing left
after the final fall
giving us a clean slate
like a blackboard
with the remnants of the old methods
and now dead ideas
floating
as chalk dust in sunlight
then
finally
we can begin
as sentient beings
neither to be bought or sold
but simply to be
in the world
(D James)
where to begin
from here
or much earlier
how will it end
in some sudden unknown later
perhaps
by the hand of another
or drawn out
over time
by some mutated
cellular replication
the future is
impossible to know
what is known
what is certain
is that someday
it will end
or we will
at least as we appear now
what happens after
the form is gone
only the dead
know for sure
(D James)
each morning
the task
is to get present
the day cannot really begin
without being present
to this very moment
I’m aware of being present
when a smile
stretches across my face
for no reason at all
though there are plenty of reasons
to smile
there are equally enough invented reasons
to frown
the smile I wait for
is the smile for no reason at all
the smile for this very moment in time
when I am connected to being alive
not the world
and my place in it
but all life
yours
mine
the 6 billion others
the trees
the bees
every blade of grass
as well as
the life we can’t see
underneath this one
the cells
and their nuclei
and who knows
perhaps even life
on another planet
in another vast galaxy
far beyond our imagination
or the reach of current technology
this is what happens
when I get present
life expands beyond comprehension
and my worries, fears, judgements, and opinions
all fall away
and I am left with nothing
a blank canvas
to create anything I want
in this very moment
(D. James)
no such thing
as too loud
when it comes
to the music
of life
you can never
love too much
have too much fun
or be more alive
then in a succession
of nows
no greater
freedom
no brighter
wisdom
than now
and now
and now
(D. James)
wake up
into patterns
of unconsciousness
go through the day
asleep with eyes open
and react
react
react
taking direction
from the small mind
playing safe
surviving
the true self
buried
under all the thinking
thinking
thinking
and the doing
and the waiting
then
for a moment
looking up
past the tall buildings
at a sliver of blue sky
life opens up
now I’m awake
(D. James)
begin
at the end
erase
every word
remove
the thoughts
quash
the heart
obliterate
the soul
until
there is nothing
left on the page
(D James)
the power of night
the black and white
lithe and still
darkness falls
bringing the final
moment
nowhere to go
from here
but to the end
fast and painless
eyes open
but the light gone
out
those years
gathered up
then scattered
by the wind
a billion specks
of light and sound
swallowed
by darkness
then nothing
not even
the black
(D. James)
there is a hole
where my solar plexus
should be
a missing part
of me
left behind
like something
I forgot
to pack
a piece
of my soul
resembling lack
hold on to it
I promise I’ll
be back
(D. James)
to live
for a great love
something imagined
but never attained
a moment
in time
regained
an improbable
second chance
do you defy
the odds?
or is it all
rash insanity
fools folly
destined
to self-destruct
in the end
do we care?
not if we are driven
by our desire
think
this is our
destiny
perhaps then
we make it so
or burn in the fire
set so long ago
suddenly too close
(D. James)
wanting
to hold someone
at the end of a long day
not just a body
but someone to love
curled up in my arms
breathing quietly
the smell of hair
and warm skin
mixed with clean sheets
someone to wake up to
come the morning light
someone
who calls me baby
in a way that means
the world to them
can’t a man want
these things
and not think
he has to hide
his feelings away
I’m just asking
(D. James)
I want
to write
on the walls
spell out
all the
ideas
emotions
color
outside the lines
black pen markings
beginning in one corner
not stopping until I’ve planned out my whole fucking life
filling ten rooms with the words of my mind
the work of my soul
not stopping until it is all out of me
like some monster some wild thing
only then can I lay down to sleep
knowing when I wake it will all
still be there
but exposed out in the open
nothing to hide
(D. James)
waiting
the night out
feeling
my way
in the dark
hoping
the morning
won’t come
this one time
keeping
the fantasy
of being with you
longer than just tonight
alive for one more hour
as light
lines
the horizon
I take
one last look
and like Eurydice
you vanish before my eyes
(D. James)
haven’t slept
in my own bed
all week
now it’s later
than late
and I’m faced
with the aloneness
of being alone
in this bed
that’s just
a mattress
on the floor
I miss
your green
eyes
your red
hair
your pale
skin
your
attitude
the way you look
straight at me
in the morning
like a child
who has yet
to learn fear
or know the difference
between themself
and another
and your laugh
pure abandon
in that ha ha ha
the complete unbridled
expression of joy
how will I make it
through the night
and worse
what will I look forward to
in the morning
(D. James)
don’t know what
to do
with these feelings
when the woman
you love says
it doesn’t mean anything
like your love
doesn’t matter
like you
don’t
matter
it isn’t what she means
it’s just how it sounds
to you
in the moment
as she says goodbye
for the last time
what do you do
knowing she’s already
calling another man
lover
do you give in
to the rage
let it consume you
or can you find a way
to let it all go
as if it really
doesn’t matter
(D. James)
in the silence
before dawn
I breath in
the scent of skin
rub the nape
of your neck
run my hand
along
your waist
to the pale belly
you roll over
stare straight
into me
seeing
who I really am
not who I project
to keep the world
at bay
but who
I want to be
who I am
when it’s safe
you smile,
revealing
your true self
I don’t know
if you do that
with others
but to me
you are always
an open door
inviting me
to step through
and I’m curious
what, if anything,
I do for you
(D. James)
wanting
to burn
for another
feel
her missing
from the sheets
when she’s away
be
in the warmth
of a gaze
wake
in the silence
before sunrise
stare
at her body
lying in wait
get lost
in the smell
of her hair
pull
her to me
knowing
that’s always
what she wants
(D. James)
when it chews
you up
and spits
you out
lie there
a while
scream the rage
cry the sorrow
until it is
out of you
completely
then
gently
pick
yourself
up
and go on
(D. James)
alone
in a room
darkness
of your soul
moment
of madness
you rage
and cry out
“what does
it all mean?”
like a wave
it crashes
over you
washes
everything
away
then subsides
you are left
standing
with nothing
and now
you can begin
(D. James)
waiting
for the call
which never comes
the one
where she says
all is forgiven
I love you
she says
please come home
we can work it all out
she says
come to me
and I do
and we do
but the phone
doesn’t ring
and everything
reminds me
of her
cup of tea
a bed
laughter
dark hair
sunlight
dogs
tears
children
laundry
I think
what should I do
with all these thoughts
in my head
afraid to let go
that that
would be
the end
and I keep
wanting
another outcome
the one where
the phone rings
and she says …
(D. James)
you head north
I follow
then east
and I follow
to the west
then south
north again
and I follow
your shifts
of whim
until
my bearings
are lost
and I am
swallowed
in a sea
of emotion
you go on
leaving behind this
reckless wreckage
now
there is
nowhere
to go
but
down
(D. James)
there is
a side
of me
I do not
like
a part
that feels
unheard
it rages
and I am
in its grip
lost to
madness
there is
a side
of me
I do not
like
and
I have
to live
with the
consequences
of my actions
cannot erase
what I’ve done
there is
a side
of me
I hate
and wish
never to see
again
(D. James)
I hold tight
the reigns
and like Atlas
with the world
on his shoulders
I struggle
and raise hell
above my head
to find my
flat blackened soul
laid bare
would if I could
pick it up
but I’ve not
a hand to spare
(D. James)
I told lies
hiding
in your shadows
crept along
your fetid blacktop
lost my soul
and almost
my mind
but come
the morning
I found myself
on the other side
(D. James)
