5 true hidden secrets of hot internet lists that generate hits

1. People like lists because they’re easy to read (the lists I mean, though probably the people who read them as well) and there really isn’t anything hidden or secret in these lists that you probably don’t already know.

2. Pick a number between 3 and 10 for your list, as 2 is too few to be a list (that’s more like a lump) and more than 10 will bore the fuck out of your readers. 7 is a good number because it’s lucky, so if you only have 5, make up 2 more to get the magic lucky 7, but if you only have 3, don’t push it, just do 5.

3. Make sure not to pitch your product in the first 2, but don’t wait until the last point especially if you’re bullshitting your way through those last few as you want to make sure they see what it is you’re selling before getting bored and clicking to the next fascinating list that promises to give them something that will change their life or at least their business or has something to do with naked women (oh, now that I’ve mentioned naked women, I can tag this post with the word “naked” or “naked women” which will drive scads of traffic my way).

4. Make sure to put in lots of hyperlinks to your product page and offer something free where you can capture people’s e-mail address so you can market many, many more of your free hot secret hidden tip lists that drive traffic to something FREE, that’s really just another blatant pitch. It’s known as marketing by wearing them down to a nub, though I’m sure someone can come up with a much better phrase, like collateral (damage) marketing or C(d)M. I don’t know, run with it.

5. Stats – use stats because people like stats, they make you sound like you either know something or at least did yer research. If you can’t find any stats that support your secret hidden hot snack-facts, make some up. You can even host your own independent site with a similar sounding name (like the New English Journal of Medicine) and post your data set (after you make it up, of course).

Bonus! Give them half-off or more from the “list” price, but over-charge the same shipping and handling charges (which should be about 10 times what it cost to ship and man-handle the merch through your fulfillment center) so you don’t throw off your profit margins.

(D. James)

urban scrawl

this thing strung together making no sense yet kept writing these words and not even thinking letting them flow and trying to keep up like in life when everything moves at the speed of sound and people keep moving and I seem to be in the way, slower than everyone else feeling tired and left behind it all seems a bit too much maybe I’m still on west coast time or it could be that I’m no longer interested in the rushing and running, the pushing and shoving, shouldering my way through life trying to get in front of the person in front of me assholes behind me kicking at the backs of my shoes, knocking them off skittering across the platform as the E train rushes out of the station and the next group of followers gathers in the station, and on to the next thing, the one after the one right before this one, how can anyone make sense of the world anymore when people start conversations in e-mail and end them in text, and no one, no one, answers the phone any longer, why can’t this rant end? because there are no endings and no beginnings, there’s just all this rushing around in the middle and when I go, and when you go, there will still be 6 billion and more on the planet to take up where we left off, and there is no reason for it, no meaning – it all is and it all isn’t and we’re here to sort out what it means to us now, and then we’re gone. And the sun will rise and the sun will set, and the sun will rise and the sun will set …

(D. James)