Time
runs
out
and
nothing
can
salvage
this poem

(D. James)

Five years ago …
ten years from now …
where was,
or will, I be

Will I be?

Asked again and again
what did I want to be

If only I could figure out
what that me was supposed to be that wanted to be
or even just be

Free?

But from what
or of what
dare I say,
I know not

(D. James)

I catch a toe
on the bedside table

For a moment
the pain brings a
rush

Then a loud burst
of sound

This is what it is to feel
like a fragile old goat

In the end
no matter how
crafty you are
or how many books
you read

You’re still just a mess
of nerves and fleshy parts
constantly being reminded
what it means to be human

(D. James)

for Mike Blake

Standing in the supermarket
when a pop song
from the mid-eighties
plays over the aisle of canned goods

Memories of an old friend –
long gone – wash over me

Suddenly I find myself
holding back the tears
like the song says

Wondering, where did the years go

Standing there thinking,

“Don’t fucking cry now,
ya pussy”

Just keep holding on

(D. James)

These days
there always seems
something needs doing

A list of tasks
bills
phone calls
e-mails
laundry
shopping

How did I live
my life at twenty?

The only thing
on the list then
was to drink
another beer
smoke another
cigarette

Where oh where
have those languishing
days gone?

(D. James)

In another country
we swept north
like the hand of god

In Basra we did
door-to-doors

Killed men
at close range
in Baghdad

Left a leg
and most of
one hand
back in Falluja

Now at home
no one seems
to know
how to put us
back together again

All-American,
treated like
Half a person

Did right
by our country
In the end
left with the nagging
question:

Will it do
right by us?

(D. James)

Lost in a reverie
of a life I never had

Keeping quiet in
a noisy room

I’ve always believed
I knew something
about myself
or life
or people

But when I realize
I know nothing at all

Only then am I
finally set free

(D. James)

If the sun don’t shine
I don’t smile

But when the clouds part
the world seems easier to bear

If only I could find
that place in me
where the sun shines
no matter what the weather

(D. James)

taping on the keys
making something close to sense
or nothing at all

(D. James)

ask many questions
die with a few unanswered
this should be your goal

(D. James)

At times
life can seem
to pile up on you

Things take over
clutter the way

Events you didn’t
foresee

A rising tide

But still you
stand there

Battered and wet
the tang of salt
in your mouth

This is what
it means to
live in the world

This is how we
face adversity

It is this
or drown

(D.James)

And this is not a movie
I remind myself

These memories carried around
in my head

And this is not a movie
these days upon days
night after night

These boredoms
these anxieties
these feelings of fear

But this is not a movie
I keep telling myself
this is my life

Yet I don’t know what
to do with it

This is my life
and this is not a movie

I know
because if it were
who the fuck
would sit through it?

(D. James)