quiet now
in the small hours
of the morning
with the heart
and mind
aligned
peaceful now
as the new day
dawns
and everything
seems as one
in the vast expanse
is it a straight line
from our ancestors
to now
or is there a circle
that completes each moment
are we really alone
in this world
or surrounded
by the billions
who came before
and since
(D James)
waiting
for something
to happen
like life
or something similar
wanting
to be free
from fear
or at least
push through
needing
to take action
but bored with
the supposed options
stifled
by the thoughts
of past failures
though there’s nothing
to be done about them now
avoiding
hard work
and difficult
conversations
instead
I’ll write
and smoke cigarettes
make a life
out of words
because in the end
that’s all any of us
really have
(D James)
not enough
sleep tired
too many
cigarettes tired
tired all the
time tired
two in the morning
writing
poetry tired
brain tired
road tired
time for bed tired
over-tired
wishing I didn’t
have to get up
and go to
work tired
nodding off
with my fingers
on the
keyboard tired
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(D. James)
this thing strung together making no sense yet kept writing these words and not even thinking letting them flow and trying to keep up like in life when everything moves at the speed of sound and people keep moving and I seem to be in the way, slower than everyone else feeling tired and left behind it all seems a bit too much maybe I’m still on west coast time or it could be that I’m no longer interested in the rushing and running, the pushing and shoving, shouldering my way through life trying to get in front of the person in front of me assholes behind me kicking at the backs of my shoes, knocking them off skittering across the platform as the E train rushes out of the station and the next group of followers gathers in the station, and on to the next thing, the one after the one right before this one, how can anyone make sense of the world anymore when people start conversations in e-mail and end them in text, and no one, no one, answers the phone any longer, why can’t this rant end? because there are no endings and no beginnings, there’s just all this rushing around in the middle and when I go, and when you go, there will still be 6 billion and more on the planet to take up where we left off, and there is no reason for it, no meaning – it all is and it all isn’t and we’re here to sort out what it means to us now, and then we’re gone. And the sun will rise and the sun will set, and the sun will rise and the sun will set …
(D. James)
where does it
go
the time
seems like it
used to crawl
now I lose
track
of the days
and memories
are like stories
someone once told
I’m not even
certain
I’ve not written
this poem
before
(D James)
the blank page
stares back at me
silently mocking
my attempts
to scribble
something
of weight
the blank page
like a snow-covered
mountain
challenges my ability
to communicate
and whisper-laughs
at my thoughts of words
until I say
to the blank page
“ok, you write something”
then there is silence
and I can finally settle down
to begin the work of stringing words
together into something that makes sense
to someone
somewhere
(D. James)
light and dark
laughter and tears
never and always
right and wrong
bone and dust
blood and guts
intransigent and flexible
solid and liquid
everything
and
nothing
(D James)
there is a hole
where my solar plexus
should be
a missing part
of me
left behind
like something
I forgot
to pack
a piece
of my soul
resembling lack
hold on to it
I promise I’ll
be back
(D. James)
all we have
are words
and I can’t find
any that fit
or don’t sound
self-serving
what’s left
is silence
maddening
deafening
unbearable
silence
(D. James)
unfinished sentences
all these things
left unsaid
a hundred words
stale phrases
none of them
enough
talk all damn day
and I’d still
never get
to what it is
that pulls at me
makes me want to stay
should have tried
should have missed that flight
should be there with you now
should stop trying to make sense
of any of this
because all I want
is to be
where I’m not
all I want
is to be
where
I am
not
(D. James)
wanting
someone
who gets the feeling
of all those words
in all those songs
like I do
someone fearless
who knows
the difference
between
pain and suffering
creating or courting
neither
but knowing
what it means
to feel deeply
to ache
to revel
in the glory
of being known
by another
like no other
to miss
the one you love
(D. James)
this is bad
this desire
this wanting
this is not me
this is not you
this isn’t even who we think
this is
this is some evil
this
this twist
this pain
this feeling
this ache for you
this is just a dream
this nightmare
this remembrance of you
this haunting
this stillness of still wanting
this with you
this ending that never ends because I don’t want
this to ever end never wanted
this to end always wondered why
this did end
this always ending
this
(D. James)
up all night
looking
for something
that doesn’t exist
something
I don’t want
to see in me
avoiding
myself
by looking
everywhere
other than here
trying to get
out of my head
when I should
be in bed
another late
night
another wasted
morning
couldn’t I get
the same result
in another way
or another result
in the same way
it’s all the same
in the end
(D. James)
in bed
curled around
her sleeping self
I think
this is what
I’ve always
wanted
to whisper
in an ear
that she’s
my one
and only one
but I don’t
realizing
that’s not me
that’s not her
it’s just an idea
in my head
from a song
Taupin wrote
about one of his
ex-wives
and what
does that
tell you
(D. James)
there are
all these words
and feelings
and messy things
spilled out
on the floor
like blood
seems there’s
no place
to put them all
can’t swallow them
try stuffing them
back into your gut
but they
no longer fit
feels like
you’ll die without
them
seems like
you’ll die with
them
where will you …
how will you …
what will you …
why would you …
go on?
(D. James)
phone calls
text messages
and no one
gets back
what to do
feeling disconnected
feeling like no one’s
out there
feeling like no one
wants me
it’s only a thought
they’re all just busy
right now
in an hour
everyone
will call back
at once
and I’ll have
3 voice mails
and 5 text
messages
while trying
to get through
to my sister
in Tucson
to say
I love you
(D. James)
don’t know what
to do
with these feelings
when the woman
you love says
it doesn’t mean anything
like your love
doesn’t matter
like you
don’t
matter
it isn’t what she means
it’s just how it sounds
to you
in the moment
as she says goodbye
for the last time
what do you do
knowing she’s already
calling another man
lover
do you give in
to the rage
let it consume you
or can you find a way
to let it all go
as if it really
doesn’t matter
(D. James)
I’m so good
at making it all
about me
that even when
you think you’re
talking about you
it’s still about me
do you do that too
or is it just me?
(D. James)
there is something
and yet … and yet
a look
in the eye
something
or something
I made up
how
do you know
ten thousand
subtle seconds
and you only have
a moment to act
am I
the only one
who notices this
(D. James)
what do you
say
when it doesn’t
go your way
you fight
to make
a pointless
point
then you
feel bad
about
the things
you said
finally
you let it go
or
you let it
destroy you
the choice
is yours
(D. James)
I fret
am filled
with fear
as if
poured
into me
an endless pitcher
overflowing
into my mouth
filling me from
toes to teeth
I choke
cannot breathe
Am I doing
the right thing
should I have done
this or that
before or after
with her or him or it
should I not have
will there be enough
money
time
love
friendship
sex
What will become
of me
in time
before I turn
to dust
(D. James)
Tossing
attitude
throwing words
like punches
not caring
where they land
Uncertain
where this is
coming from
or where
it’s going
only that
I’m following
blindly
(D. James)
Thinking
of giving up
packing it in
leaving
Always looking
for support
someone to prop me up
or just lean me
against a wall
Feeling like
it’s never
gonna be enough
Swimming
in a pool
of self-pity
not wanting
to take
responsibility
wondering how
everyone else
seems to do it
so why
can’t I
(D. James)
like a dog
that won’t come
a bird
that refuses
to sing
or a cat
that won’t hunt
what if
I just sat here
all damn day
listening to Nina
the sound
of all that pain
washing over me
like rain
(D. James)
whatever I take
to bed
I wake up with
whatever is in
my head
I deal with
whatever it is
I’ve said
I have to
live with
and whatever happens
after I’m dead
I will have to
end with
(D. James)
