nothing
no thing
no nothing
no
begin
at the middle
go back
to the end
then circle round
to finish
at the beginning
once you figure
it out
let me know
I’ll be waiting
(D James)
nothing
no thing
no nothing
no
begin
at the middle
go back
to the end
then circle round
to finish
at the beginning
once you figure
it out
let me know
I’ll be waiting
(D James)
light and dark
laughter and tears
never and always
right and wrong
bone and dust
blood and guts
intransigent and flexible
solid and liquid
everything
and
nothing
(D James)
white sheet
blank paper
and the
screen in your head
goes black
who ever said
you can’t get there from here
didn’t know where you were
to begin with
so how did they know
where you’d end up
(D. James)
waking with
thoughts of you
longing for
next time
dreaming
of the day
when the distance
is measured
by the length
of a room
instead of
the miles
of a country
(D. James)
messy business
this thing
called
life
no straight lines
or perfect circles
unchartable
unpredictable
erratic
like a riff
beauty
between
sour notes
brief
unyielding
amazing
painful
joyous
full of love
and contradictions
it couldn’t be
any other way
so why look for
what isn’t there
(D. James)
years ago
skinny kid
thought he knew
everything
full of bravado
and half-believing
how is it
we lived
through all that
and have come
to this
desire
still tugs
at us
reaching across
the years
the miles
our lives
converging
this path set
before we walked
upon it
no idea
where it leads
only where we’ve
been
maybe
this time
we’ll get it right
(D. James)
telegraphing
overt messages
through the ether
like talking
to you through
glass
none
but you
knowing their
true meaning
I wonder
what is
to be done
or should
I simply
be more
patient
waiting for
a reply
not an answer
for now
that would
be enough
(D. James)
standing outside
in the rain
throwing stones
against your window
waiting for you
to open the door
(D. James)
unfinished sentences
all these things
left unsaid
a hundred words
stale phrases
none of them
enough
talk all damn day
and I’d still
never get
to what it is
that pulls at me
makes me want to stay
should have tried
should have missed that flight
should be there with you now
should stop trying to make sense
of any of this
because all I want
is to be
where I’m not
all I want
is to be
where
I am
not
(D. James)
a cold wind
comes through
like longing
how many years
before we’ll be together
my love
will death
take me
before I see
your eyes
once more
feel your skin
breathe you in
is there no
relief from this
yearning
is this to be
yet another
unfinished story
all those miles
all those years
all these trials
all these tears
don’t we deserve
a break in this life
or do we have to wait
until the next one
(D. James)
writing as if
tomorrow will
never come
leaving nothing
unsaid
not even sure
this is possible
if there is
more to give
you will have it
all I want
is a chance
to know
what kind of love
it takes
to give myself
to another
(D. James)
I look
at your picture
but it’s not
enough
there’s heat
but no fire
this facsimile
flat lifeless image
I want your
breath
your scent
you
all of you
this is just
not enough
(D. James)
can’t eat
can’t sleep
can’t stop thinking
of you
waiting for a call
e-mail
chat
text
something
to let me know
you’re thinking
of me
when I’m thinking
of you
knowing
it’s no good
being like this
but doing it
anyway
’cause there are
no answers
only questions
so why not ask
the same one
over and over
(D. James)
to live
for a great love
something imagined
but never attained
a moment
in time
regained
an improbable
second chance
do you defy
the odds?
or is it all
rash insanity
fools folly
destined
to self-destruct
in the end
do we care?
not if we are driven
by our desire
think
this is our
destiny
perhaps then
we make it so
or burn in the fire
set so long ago
suddenly too close
(D. James)
I look for you
or the virtual
approximation
of you
the pull
so strong
the emotional
distance bridged
through half-sentences
in a tiny window
we abbreviate
and emoticon
our way through
complex emotions
rooted in a past
long before
any of this technology
existed
years go by
and then suddenly
you are there again
always reconnecting
always
at the wrong time
perhaps we had
our chance
back then
and it won’t
come around again
wishing
it were any other way
won’t make it so
but I still try
(D. James)
wanting
someone
who gets the feeling
of all those words
in all those songs
like I do
someone fearless
who knows
the difference
between
pain and suffering
creating or courting
neither
but knowing
what it means
to feel deeply
to ache
to revel
in the glory
of being known
by another
like no other
to miss
the one you love
(D. James)
this is bad
this desire
this wanting
this is not me
this is not you
this isn’t even who we think
this is
this is some evil
this
this twist
this pain
this feeling
this ache for you
this is just a dream
this nightmare
this remembrance of you
this haunting
this stillness of still wanting
this with you
this ending that never ends because I don’t want
this to ever end never wanted
this to end always wondered why
this did end
this always ending
this
(D. James)
wanting
to hold someone
at the end of a long day
not just a body
but someone to love
curled up in my arms
breathing quietly
the smell of hair
and warm skin
mixed with clean sheets
someone to wake up to
come the morning light
someone
who calls me baby
in a way that means
the world to them
can’t a man want
these things
and not think
he has to hide
his feelings away
I’m just asking
(D. James)
looking
for what I want
in places I will not find it
thinking
look again
it’ll be there
this time
it’ll be there
now
check now
what about now
not yet
what about now
keep looking
in the same dead place
waiting for my life to begin
when all this time
it’s been right in front of me
waiting for me to see
(D. James)
here’s where
we get to that part
of the night
closer to dawn
than dusk
when the cars
rubber by
less frequently
and your
eyelids
will not
cooperate
everyone else
is long down
nothing
but the hum
of the refrigerator
to keep you company
and that last car
rolling past your window
won’t be another till dawn
best to wait for it
under the covers
if you’re lucky
it’ll go by
unnoticed
if you’re not
it won’t
(D. James)
up all night
looking
for something
that doesn’t exist
something
I don’t want
to see in me
avoiding
myself
by looking
everywhere
other than here
trying to get
out of my head
when I should
be in bed
another late
night
another wasted
morning
couldn’t I get
the same result
in another way
or another result
in the same way
it’s all the same
in the end
(D. James)
waiting
the night out
feeling
my way
in the dark
hoping
the morning
won’t come
this one time
keeping
the fantasy
of being with you
longer than just tonight
alive for one more hour
as light
lines
the horizon
I take
one last look
and like Eurydice
you vanish before my eyes
(D. James)
wanting
to be lost
in a look
hands
on
skin
mouth
on
mouth
feel your
heat
wishing
it were
more than
this
but taking
what I can
get
(D. James)
you know
what I mean
when we talk
about the pain
how it keeps
you up
at night
and all the talk
doesn’t help
there is no cure
for being human
we either
feel it
or resist
it’s all the same
in the end
(D. James)
there are
all these words
and feelings
and messy things
spilled out
on the floor
like blood
seems there’s
no place
to put them all
can’t swallow them
try stuffing them
back into your gut
but they
no longer fit
feels like
you’ll die without
them
seems like
you’ll die with
them
where will you …
how will you …
what will you …
why would you …
go on?
(D. James)
and I want
all of it
give me
what you can’t
show me
what you won’t
tell me
what you fear
teach me
things you don’t know
you know
go beyond
what you feel
fall with me
into that abyss
they call love
(D. James)
haven’t slept
in my own bed
all week
now it’s later
than late
and I’m faced
with the aloneness
of being alone
in this bed
that’s just
a mattress
on the floor
I miss
your green
eyes
your red
hair
your pale
skin
your
attitude
the way you look
straight at me
in the morning
like a child
who has yet
to learn fear
or know the difference
between themself
and another
and your laugh
pure abandon
in that ha ha ha
the complete unbridled
expression of joy
how will I make it
through the night
and worse
what will I look forward to
in the morning
(D. James)
phone calls
text messages
and no one
gets back
what to do
feeling disconnected
feeling like no one’s
out there
feeling like no one
wants me
it’s only a thought
they’re all just busy
right now
in an hour
everyone
will call back
at once
and I’ll have
3 voice mails
and 5 text
messages
while trying
to get through
to my sister
in Tucson
to say
I love you
(D. James)
don’t know what
to do
with these feelings
when the woman
you love says
it doesn’t mean anything
like your love
doesn’t matter
like you
don’t
matter
it isn’t what she means
it’s just how it sounds
to you
in the moment
as she says goodbye
for the last time
what do you do
knowing she’s already
calling another man
lover
do you give in
to the rage
let it consume you
or can you find a way
to let it all go
as if it really
doesn’t matter
(D. James)
in the silence
before dawn
I breath in
the scent of skin
rub the nape
of your neck
run my hand
along
your waist
to the pale belly
you roll over
stare straight
into me
seeing
who I really am
not who I project
to keep the world
at bay
but who
I want to be
who I am
when it’s safe
you smile,
revealing
your true self
I don’t know
if you do that
with others
but to me
you are always
an open door
inviting me
to step through
and I’m curious
what, if anything,
I do for you
(D. James)
there is something
and yet … and yet
a look
in the eye
something
or something
I made up
how
do you know
ten thousand
subtle seconds
and you only have
a moment to act
am I
the only one
who notices this
(D. James)
what do you
say
when it doesn’t
go your way
you fight
to make
a pointless
point
then you
feel bad
about
the things
you said
finally
you let it go
or
you let it
destroy you
the choice
is yours
(D. James)
nervous
pressure
feelings
running rampant
wanting
it all
to go
away
moments
of clarity
fogged
by anger
wanting to
give this
pain
away
yet
knowing
there is
something
on the other
side of it
something
I need
to see
another way
to be
(D. James)
alone
in a room
darkness
of your soul
moment
of madness
you rage
and cry out
“what does
it all mean?”
like a wave
it crashes
over you
washes
everything
away
then subsides
you are left
standing
with nothing
and now
you can begin
(D. James)
Doing
what needs
doing
being
right where
you are
Nothing broken
nothing to fix
even when
the world
seemingly tells
you so
Just remember
that everything
everything
changes
(D. James)
To begin
to let go
to let go
and begin
begin again
to let go
to let go
and begin again
to let go
let go
let go
let it go …
At some point
we must begin
to let it go
so we can
begin again
and once more
be whole
(D. James)
Waking
only a few hours
after falling asleep
I think
it’s 5
in the morning
where she is
she’s still asleep
I see her
face
quiet
beautiful
that mouth
later
on a bus
cold December sunlight
and I think
6:30 where she is
still asleep
Through the window
the Manhattan skyline
from the Jersey side
majestic
moves me
like no other place
yet I’d trade
it all
for another
chance
(D. James)
waiting
for the call
which never comes
the one
where she says
all is forgiven
I love you
she says
please come home
we can work it all out
she says
come to me
and I do
and we do
but the phone
doesn’t ring
and everything
reminds me
of her
cup of tea
a bed
laughter
dark hair
sunlight
dogs
tears
children
laundry
I think
what should I do
with all these thoughts
in my head
afraid to let go
that that
would be
the end
and I keep
wanting
another outcome
the one where
the phone rings
and she says …
(D. James)
you head north
I follow
then east
and I follow
to the west
then south
north again
and I follow
your shifts
of whim
until
my bearings
are lost
and I am
swallowed
in a sea
of emotion
you go on
leaving behind this
reckless wreckage
now
there is
nowhere
to go
but
down
(D. James)
Love you
like no other
somehow it
isn’t enough
always seems
another obstacle
an endless
row of hurdles
and though
it feels as if
this horse
can’t jump
I must
I must
For no
other reason
than love
(D. James)
I fret
am filled
with fear
as if
poured
into me
an endless pitcher
overflowing
into my mouth
filling me from
toes to teeth
I choke
cannot breathe
Am I doing
the right thing
should I have done
this or that
before or after
with her or him or it
should I not have
will there be enough
money
time
love
friendship
sex
What will become
of me
in time
before I turn
to dust
(D. James)
When the night
is over
and the final
cigarette
has been smoked
what will
the last poet
say
After all
the evoked emotion
failed relationships
dead boyfriends
abortions
abusive parents
drugs and alcohol
laughter
and pain
have been spilled
out
in some cases
artfully vomited
what could
this last poet
have to say
How to summarize
this night
these words
life sentences
bad grammar
poetic license
driven to excess
How to follow
the girl who told
of losing all her hair
the guy who
crashed his car
the gay biker
who longs
to be dominated
by a she-wolf
of the SS
the boy
who lost
his virginity
so late
the girl
who lost hers
so early
the words
of so many
who want change
yet stay
right where they are
What can this last
motherfucker
have to say
that can top the
triumphs
tragedies
surprises
sorrows
What will
the last poet
leave us with
as we file
out of this
basement grotto
into the light
of dawn
Do we expect
too much
as he steps to the microphone
the crowd
too drunk
to hush
even the white
of the spot light
seems a bit dingy
as he steps into it’s shaft
The last poet
will speak the
last poem
and we will leave
to sleep it off
Whatever he says
will be the final word
so our expectations
are far too high
The last poet
poor fucker
has nowhere to go
but down
unless he’s more genius
than genius itself
more brilliant
than all of us
The last poet
clears his throat
touches his lips
to the mic
the wait
has us spellbound
and half-hopeful
Even so
when we wake
in the afternoon
hungover and
full of piss
will we remember
any of this
(D. James)
just because
you want her
doesn’t mean
she feels
the same
or even notices
you’re alive
(D. James)
like a dog
that won’t come
a bird
that refuses
to sing
or a cat
that won’t hunt
what if
I just sat here
all damn day
listening to Nina
the sound
of all that pain
washing over me
like rain
(D. James)
waiting
for the keys
to speak
why don’t they
type something
must I do
everything
around here
I thought
this writing thing
would be easier
people talk about
poems that write
themselves
where can I
get me
one of those
they promised
life would be
more fun
on a Mac
but I still
have to do
all the damn thinking
(D. James)
autumn …
things begin
to die
the start
before the start
of next spring
the end
of this
the beginning
of that
life
is
a
circle
a cycle,
there are
no straight lines
which may be why
it feels as if
we’ve been here before
(D. James)
We said
“you don’t
understand”
to each other
until we didn’t
then we weren’t
anymore
(D. James)
whatever I take
to bed
I wake up with
whatever is in
my head
I deal with
whatever it is
I’ve said
I have to
live with
and whatever happens
after I’m dead
I will have to
end with
(D. James)
Another time
in another city
when I was
someone else
And she
she asked me
“what do you want?”
And I
I had no answer
Now here
in this town
I being me
and all things equal
She asks me
“what do you want?”
And I
I answer
“everything”
To which she
she has no reply
And I
I am left
wondering
why this question
keeps coming up
(D. James)
exhausted
by talk
empty words
without action
said again
and again
until there is
nothing
but sound
like shadows
in fog
smoke and mirrors
leaving us
nowhere
with nothing
(D. James)
to write something
of import
just once
a line
truer
than the truth
that makes
someone
think twice
pierces
their heart
it may be
in me yet
have to keep
searching
keep writing
to find that phrase
that stops the world
from spinning
if only for a moment
(D. James)
a mess here
a mess there
little piles
of my life
laid out
on the floor
and I wonder
sometimes
what is it
all for?
(D. James)
sat up
half the night
with unhappy thoughts
come morning
they were still there
in a chair
by the bed
pulled them on
with my jeans
wore them
all damn day
till they
wore me out
sat up
half the night
with unhappy thoughts
determined that
in the morning
they’d be gone
moved the chair
into the kitchen
just in case
(D. James)
what if
what is
isn’t
what if
what’s there
isn’t
what if
what you see
isn’t there
what if
you weren’t
reading this
would it still
exist
(D. James)
can’t write my way
out of this
tomorrow
brings more
of the same
like a rat
on a wheel
being aware
doesn’t seem
to make it
any easier
though I keep
hope alive
(D. James)
having thoughts
about thoughts
that I thought up
last night
thoughts I’ve thought
a long time
new thoughts think
the old ones should
make room
but the old thoughts
think they know best
then there’s the thought
that all this thinking
isn’t getting us anywhere
I don’t even know
what to think
about that
(D. James)
how many things
don’t I know?
of all the things
in the wide world
which I know
a fraction of a fraction
of a percent
how many things
do you know?
all thoughts
all languages
from the beginning
how we think
we know
anything at all
is beyond me
(D. James)
what comes between us
when we’re apart?
how can I let you in
from an arm’s length away?
averted glances
thwarted hopes
life’s just too risky
when I take every little thing
to mean something about me
(D. James)
It is said
only the fallen
know the true depths
could you be
one of the rare ones
so often imagined?
Longer than any river
the emotional road we travel
More torturous
than your beauty
this lustful addiction
that can be
briefly assuaged
but never ever cured
And where
have the gods
that made you gone?
Is it true
you destroyed them
so there would be no equal?
I am a dark knight
sent on a failed errand
for a now dead king
riding through endless nights
searching for some
unexplainable something
that exists for a moment
then disappears
leaving only memories
and the faint tint
of lipstick on my glove
I need something beautiful
to destroy me
someone intelligent enough
to match me
I thought I heard you calling
(D. James)
Bourbon and cigarettes
late-night hookers
down dark alleys
What doesn’t kill me
costs more than
just money
Turning fantasy into reality
shaking with adrenaline
getting kicks from anticipation
feeling more powerful
than any man should
Someday
I’ll get off
this merry-go-round
but I can’t seem to find
“someday” on the calendar
Maybe it falls on
February 30th
two-thousand-and-never
(D. James)
(for Ian A.)
What if the old man
isn’t wandering or lonely
What if he has
all the answers
and knows it’s pointless
to say anything
Now who do you
feel sorry for?
(D. James)
The writer
that doesn’t write
The poet
that doesn’t poe
The savior
that doesn’t save
On a road
that goes nowhere
leads to nothing
and ends when it’s over
[queue music]
(D. James)
Searching for things
I cannot find
for what
does not exist
All chatter
and clutter
with no way
to turn down
the sound
or change
the channel
(D. James)