where does it
go
the time
seems like it
used to crawl
now I lose
track
of the days
and memories
are like stories
someone once told
I’m not even
certain
I’ve not written
this poem
before
(D James)
light and dark
laughter and tears
never and always
right and wrong
bone and dust
blood and guts
intransigent and flexible
solid and liquid
everything
and
nothing
(D James)
white sheet
blank paper
and the
screen in your head
goes black
who ever said
you can’t get there from here
didn’t know where you were
to begin with
so how did they know
where you’d end up
(D. James)
and and and
adding to what
was said
and and and
bringing together
disparate thoughts
and and and
an endless string
of ideas
and and and
where I’ve been
and and and
where I’m going
(D. James)
it could break,
a mind,
from the pressure
all those thoughts
of what I should
be doing
what I did
wrong
asking why
the grace and ease
so longed for
seeming far off
impossible
hoping
for change
and then
don’t want
the kind that arrives
realizing
finally
it is not an answer
I seek
but a way to live
to think thoughts
and take action
generate some
confidence
take some
responsibility
for my life
because if I don’t
who the hell will
(D. James)
counting the days
until
we are together
this
the last time
we will be separated
seems longer
than all the others
how can twenty years
apart
seem shorter
than
the next four days?
(D. James)
messy business
this thing
called
life
no straight lines
or perfect circles
unchartable
unpredictable
erratic
like a riff
beauty
between
sour notes
brief
unyielding
amazing
painful
joyous
full of love
and contradictions
it couldn’t be
any other way
so why look for
what isn’t there
(D. James)
years ago
skinny kid
thought he knew
everything
full of bravado
and half-believing
how is it
we lived
through all that
and have come
to this
desire
still tugs
at us
reaching across
the years
the miles
our lives
converging
this path set
before we walked
upon it
no idea
where it leads
only where we’ve
been
maybe
this time
we’ll get it right
(D. James)
telegraphing
overt messages
through the ether
like talking
to you through
glass
none
but you
knowing their
true meaning
I wonder
what is
to be done
or should
I simply
be more
patient
waiting for
a reply
not an answer
for now
that would
be enough
(D. James)
unfinished sentences
all these things
left unsaid
a hundred words
stale phrases
none of them
enough
talk all damn day
and I’d still
never get
to what it is
that pulls at me
makes me want to stay
should have tried
should have missed that flight
should be there with you now
should stop trying to make sense
of any of this
because all I want
is to be
where I’m not
all I want
is to be
where
I am
not
(D. James)
a cold wind
comes through
like longing
how many years
before we’ll be together
my love
will death
take me
before I see
your eyes
once more
feel your skin
breathe you in
is there no
relief from this
yearning
is this to be
yet another
unfinished story
all those miles
all those years
all these trials
all these tears
don’t we deserve
a break in this life
or do we have to wait
until the next one
(D. James)
writing as if
tomorrow will
never come
leaving nothing
unsaid
not even sure
this is possible
if there is
more to give
you will have it
all I want
is a chance
to know
what kind of love
it takes
to give myself
to another
(D. James)
can’t eat
can’t sleep
can’t stop thinking
of you
waiting for a call
e-mail
chat
text
something
to let me know
you’re thinking
of me
when I’m thinking
of you
knowing
it’s no good
being like this
but doing it
anyway
’cause there are
no answers
only questions
so why not ask
the same one
over and over
(D. James)
I’m asking
I’m asking too much
but I’m asking anyway
’cause if you don’t ask
you don’t get
and I think
you want me to ask
it’s why
you found me
waiting for you
to come around again
so I could ask
so I’m asking
(D. James)
to live
for a great love
something imagined
but never attained
a moment
in time
regained
an improbable
second chance
do you defy
the odds?
or is it all
rash insanity
fools folly
destined
to self-destruct
in the end
do we care?
not if we are driven
by our desire
think
this is our
destiny
perhaps then
we make it so
or burn in the fire
set so long ago
suddenly too close
(D. James)
this is bad
this desire
this wanting
this is not me
this is not you
this isn’t even who we think
this is
this is some evil
this
this twist
this pain
this feeling
this ache for you
this is just a dream
this nightmare
this remembrance of you
this haunting
this stillness of still wanting
this with you
this ending that never ends because I don’t want
this to ever end never wanted
this to end always wondered why
this did end
this always ending
this
(D. James)
wanting
to hold someone
at the end of a long day
not just a body
but someone to love
curled up in my arms
breathing quietly
the smell of hair
and warm skin
mixed with clean sheets
someone to wake up to
come the morning light
someone
who calls me baby
in a way that means
the world to them
can’t a man want
these things
and not think
he has to hide
his feelings away
I’m just asking
(D. James)
looking
for what I want
in places I will not find it
thinking
look again
it’ll be there
this time
it’ll be there
now
check now
what about now
not yet
what about now
keep looking
in the same dead place
waiting for my life to begin
when all this time
it’s been right in front of me
waiting for me to see
(D. James)
so much
I don’t
understand
used to think
I knew everything
or could
at least
fake it
now
I don’t know
is often
my answer
but I’ll make something up
if it makes you feel better
(D. James)
you know
what I mean
when we talk
about the pain
how it keeps
you up
at night
and all the talk
doesn’t help
there is no cure
for being human
we either
feel it
or resist
it’s all the same
in the end
(D. James)
in bed
curled around
her sleeping self
I think
this is what
I’ve always
wanted
to whisper
in an ear
that she’s
my one
and only one
but I don’t
realizing
that’s not me
that’s not her
it’s just an idea
in my head
from a song
Taupin wrote
about one of his
ex-wives
and what
does that
tell you
(D. James)
there are
all these words
and feelings
and messy things
spilled out
on the floor
like blood
seems there’s
no place
to put them all
can’t swallow them
try stuffing them
back into your gut
but they
no longer fit
feels like
you’ll die without
them
seems like
you’ll die with
them
where will you …
how will you …
what will you …
why would you …
go on?
(D. James)
phone calls
text messages
and no one
gets back
what to do
feeling disconnected
feeling like no one’s
out there
feeling like no one
wants me
it’s only a thought
they’re all just busy
right now
in an hour
everyone
will call back
at once
and I’ll have
3 voice mails
and 5 text
messages
while trying
to get through
to my sister
in Tucson
to say
I love you
(D. James)
don’t know what
to do
with these feelings
when the woman
you love says
it doesn’t mean anything
like your love
doesn’t matter
like you
don’t
matter
it isn’t what she means
it’s just how it sounds
to you
in the moment
as she says goodbye
for the last time
what do you do
knowing she’s already
calling another man
lover
do you give in
to the rage
let it consume you
or can you find a way
to let it all go
as if it really
doesn’t matter
(D. James)
I’m so good
at making it all
about me
that even when
you think you’re
talking about you
it’s still about me
do you do that too
or is it just me?
(D. James)
in the silence
before dawn
I breath in
the scent of skin
rub the nape
of your neck
run my hand
along
your waist
to the pale belly
you roll over
stare straight
into me
seeing
who I really am
not who I project
to keep the world
at bay
but who
I want to be
who I am
when it’s safe
you smile,
revealing
your true self
I don’t know
if you do that
with others
but to me
you are always
an open door
inviting me
to step through
and I’m curious
what, if anything,
I do for you
(D. James)
there is something
and yet … and yet
a look
in the eye
something
or something
I made up
how
do you know
ten thousand
subtle seconds
and you only have
a moment to act
am I
the only one
who notices this
(D. James)
what do you
say
when it doesn’t
go your way
you fight
to make
a pointless
point
then you
feel bad
about
the things
you said
finally
you let it go
or
you let it
destroy you
the choice
is yours
(D. James)
alone
in a room
darkness
of your soul
moment
of madness
you rage
and cry out
“what does
it all mean?”
like a wave
it crashes
over you
washes
everything
away
then subsides
you are left
standing
with nothing
and now
you can begin
(D. James)
Doing
what needs
doing
being
right where
you are
Nothing broken
nothing to fix
even when
the world
seemingly tells
you so
Just remember
that everything
everything
changes
(D. James)
Waking
only a few hours
after falling asleep
I think
it’s 5
in the morning
where she is
she’s still asleep
I see her
face
quiet
beautiful
that mouth
later
on a bus
cold December sunlight
and I think
6:30 where she is
still asleep
Through the window
the Manhattan skyline
from the Jersey side
majestic
moves me
like no other place
yet I’d trade
it all
for another
chance
(D. James)
you head north
I follow
then east
and I follow
to the west
then south
north again
and I follow
your shifts
of whim
until
my bearings
are lost
and I am
swallowed
in a sea
of emotion
you go on
leaving behind this
reckless wreckage
now
there is
nowhere
to go
but
down
(D. James)
Filled
with fear
not knowing
what the future
holds
worried
I can’t
won’t
make it
That somehow
after all this
time
I’ve finally come
to the end
no more
tricks
up my
sleeve
time to pay
the piper
feeling terribly
inadequate
needing to
reinvent
rethink
shift
(D. James)
I fret
am filled
with fear
as if
poured
into me
an endless pitcher
overflowing
into my mouth
filling me from
toes to teeth
I choke
cannot breathe
Am I doing
the right thing
should I have done
this or that
before or after
with her or him or it
should I not have
will there be enough
money
time
love
friendship
sex
What will become
of me
in time
before I turn
to dust
(D. James)
Thinking
of giving up
packing it in
leaving
Always looking
for support
someone to prop me up
or just lean me
against a wall
Feeling like
it’s never
gonna be enough
Swimming
in a pool
of self-pity
not wanting
to take
responsibility
wondering how
everyone else
seems to do it
so why
can’t I
(D. James)
When the night
is over
and the final
cigarette
has been smoked
what will
the last poet
say
After all
the evoked emotion
failed relationships
dead boyfriends
abortions
abusive parents
drugs and alcohol
laughter
and pain
have been spilled
out
in some cases
artfully vomited
what could
this last poet
have to say
How to summarize
this night
these words
life sentences
bad grammar
poetic license
driven to excess
How to follow
the girl who told
of losing all her hair
the guy who
crashed his car
the gay biker
who longs
to be dominated
by a she-wolf
of the SS
the boy
who lost
his virginity
so late
the girl
who lost hers
so early
the words
of so many
who want change
yet stay
right where they are
What can this last
motherfucker
have to say
that can top the
triumphs
tragedies
surprises
sorrows
What will
the last poet
leave us with
as we file
out of this
basement grotto
into the light
of dawn
Do we expect
too much
as he steps to the microphone
the crowd
too drunk
to hush
even the white
of the spot light
seems a bit dingy
as he steps into it’s shaft
The last poet
will speak the
last poem
and we will leave
to sleep it off
Whatever he says
will be the final word
so our expectations
are far too high
The last poet
poor fucker
has nowhere to go
but down
unless he’s more genius
than genius itself
more brilliant
than all of us
The last poet
clears his throat
touches his lips
to the mic
the wait
has us spellbound
and half-hopeful
Even so
when we wake
in the afternoon
hungover and
full of piss
will we remember
any of this
(D. James)
like a dog
that won’t come
a bird
that refuses
to sing
or a cat
that won’t hunt
what if
I just sat here
all damn day
listening to Nina
the sound
of all that pain
washing over me
like rain
(D. James)
where are
the hula girls
and the umbrella drinks
the smoke-filled
club
with the little
tables
and white linen
it already happened
born too late
the party moved on
damn I hate that
(D. James)
waiting
for the keys
to speak
why don’t they
type something
must I do
everything
around here
I thought
this writing thing
would be easier
people talk about
poems that write
themselves
where can I
get me
one of those
they promised
life would be
more fun
on a Mac
but I still
have to do
all the damn thinking
(D. James)
autumn …
things begin
to die
the start
before the start
of next spring
the end
of this
the beginning
of that
life
is
a
circle
a cycle,
there are
no straight lines
which may be why
it feels as if
we’ve been here before
(D. James)
We said
“you don’t
understand”
to each other
until we didn’t
then we weren’t
anymore
(D. James)
whatever I take
to bed
I wake up with
whatever is in
my head
I deal with
whatever it is
I’ve said
I have to
live with
and whatever happens
after I’m dead
I will have to
end with
(D. James)
Another time
in another city
when I was
someone else
And she
she asked me
“what do you want?”
And I
I had no answer
Now here
in this town
I being me
and all things equal
She asks me
“what do you want?”
And I
I answer
“everything”
To which she
she has no reply
And I
I am left
wondering
why this question
keeps coming up
(D. James)
exhausted
by talk
empty words
without action
said again
and again
until there is
nothing
but sound
like shadows
in fog
smoke and mirrors
leaving us
nowhere
with nothing
(D. James)
a mess here
a mess there
little piles
of my life
laid out
on the floor
and I wonder
sometimes
what is it
all for?
(D. James)
sat up
half the night
with unhappy thoughts
come morning
they were still there
in a chair
by the bed
pulled them on
with my jeans
wore them
all damn day
till they
wore me out
sat up
half the night
with unhappy thoughts
determined that
in the morning
they’d be gone
moved the chair
into the kitchen
just in case
(D. James)
Stayed online
all night long
Wrote down a few
words
But can’t tell me
a damn thing
Cause I
know it all
and nothing
nothing
nothing
at the same
time
(D. James)
lonely
I am not
lost
I am not
broke
I am not
though I have been
all of those and more
what about you?
(D. James)
what if
what is
isn’t
what if
what’s there
isn’t
what if
what you see
isn’t there
what if
you weren’t
reading this
would it still
exist
(D. James)
There is the road
and then there is
the trip we take
on it
There is the sky
and the bird
that flies
There is the water
and the whale
There is fire
and smoke
Those who live
and them
that die
Questions
and even
some answers
(D. James)
can’t write my way
out of this
tomorrow
brings more
of the same
like a rat
on a wheel
being aware
doesn’t seem
to make it
any easier
though I keep
hope alive
(D. James)
having thoughts
about thoughts
that I thought up
last night
thoughts I’ve thought
a long time
new thoughts think
the old ones should
make room
but the old thoughts
think they know best
then there’s the thought
that all this thinking
isn’t getting us anywhere
I don’t even know
what to think
about that
(D. James)
I don’t say
what’s on
my mind
When
it’s all
shit
So keep
my mouth
shut
Because
always
everyone
wants to help
And sometimes
I just need to be
where I’m at
Got it?
(D, James)
high heeled shoes
short black skirt
smooth legs
drive the herky-jerky
old men crazy
scratching and blinking
shaking their balding heads
remembering a time they had
wishing they weren’t
who they are
for one more day
before she walks
away
leaving them with
the faintest scent
of perfume
a memory
of a memory
lingers
(D. James)
how many things
don’t I know?
of all the things
in the wide world
which I know
a fraction of a fraction
of a percent
how many things
do you know?
all thoughts
all languages
from the beginning
how we think
we know
anything at all
is beyond me
(D. James)
billy blew
his brains out
and no one noticed
billy blew
his brains out
and no one cared
billy blew
his brains out
and you ask
who the hell
is billy anyway?
well, what if
billy
were you
(D. James)
spitting venom
out of fear
attacking
like a cornered
dog
to a threat
that is not there
unable
unwilling
to see any other
option
words meant
to cut
to hurt
to bleed you
all so you
won’t go away
or
to make you prove
what you say
(D. James)
Bourbon and cigarettes
late-night hookers
down dark alleys
What doesn’t kill me
costs more than
just money
Turning fantasy into reality
shaking with adrenaline
getting kicks from anticipation
feeling more powerful
than any man should
Someday
I’ll get off
this merry-go-round
but I can’t seem to find
“someday” on the calendar
Maybe it falls on
February 30th
two-thousand-and-never
(D. James)
(for Ian A.)
What if the old man
isn’t wandering or lonely
What if he has
all the answers
and knows it’s pointless
to say anything
Now who do you
feel sorry for?
(D. James)
See the tall girl
standing on the corner
a cell phone to her ear
Oblivious to the traffic
rushing by
a boy
talking in her ear
He tells her
“I love you”
but she doesn’t
believe it
She turns west
and hears him say
he can’t live without her
She turns east
and he says
please don’t leave
When she looks down
at the ground
is that south?
Up at the sky
north?
He keeps talking
pleading
wheedling
whining
but she stopped listening
long ago
Behind dark sunglasses
she quints at the bright sunlight
of a Los Angeles afternoon
It’s after she throws the phone
as it skips along the hot tar
and is run over a few times
she realizes
her mistake all along
has been looking for love
from without instead of
from within
(D. James)
The writer
that doesn’t write
The poet
that doesn’t poe
The savior
that doesn’t save
On a road
that goes nowhere
leads to nothing
and ends when it’s over
[queue music]
(D. James)
Without doubt
there are questions
without answers
But are there any answers
without questions?
(D. James)
I wake
and the world
has not changed
since last I looked
The world wakes
looks at me and says
What are you still doing there
waiting for the world to change?
(D. James)
The truth is …
God has no religion
(D. James)
pinhead
typing away
making no sense
out of nonsense
perhaps
there is
no answer
to why is
the sky blue
or
the moon white
would it be ok
if there were
some questions
left unanswered?
(D. James)
If I told you
I wrote this
for the sake
of writing it
Made it up
just now as
the words for
their meaning
and nothing
more
Would it hold
weight …
respond to gravity?
Or do we have
to assign some other
definition to make it
a poem,
something greater
than what it is?
(D. James)