my pen falls
from the table
into a dark shadow
kicking
to catch it
with the side
of my shoe
spinning
it skitters
into the light
much like my thoughts
on this deathly cold day
(D. James)
Yearly Archives: 2010
loss of balance
it could break,
a mind,
from the pressure
all those thoughts
of what I should
be doing
what I did
wrong
asking why
the grace and ease
so longed for
seeming far off
impossible
hoping
for change
and then
don’t want
the kind that arrives
realizing
finally
it is not an answer
I seek
but a way to live
to think thoughts
and take action
generate some
confidence
take some
responsibility
for my life
because if I don’t
who the hell will
(D. James)
make it up
how much time
do we waste
thinking of the things
we’re not doing
the shoulds
the can’ts
the don’t want tos
the don’t have time
or money for
how much energy
is spent
on thoughts and worries
of that
which exists only
in our minds
how far
from reality
can we go
and still be consideredÂ
rational
doesn’t it depend
on whose reality
we measure from
if life
is primarily
the stories we tell
then what kind
do you want
to make up
(D. James)
left behind
I remember
the past
as if it were
some one else’s
story
as if I
were some one
other than me
those days
and days
of years
the many nights
the horrible “mornings”
of the afternoon
washed clean away
by different thoughts
other actions
I remember a time
when I was
some one else
when I told
a different story
I remember as if
read in a novel
or seen in a film
I remember
so as not to forget
so as not to become
what I’ve been
what was left behind
(D. James)
Like this:
dust
to dance
like the bones
don’t ache
to run
with the speed
of a panther
to laugh
with the abandon
of a child
to work
and play
and love
as if
I cannot fail
to sleep
like the dead
and dream
as the mystics do
this is how I wish
to spend
the days and nights
before returning to dust
(D. James)
train of thought
thinking thoughts on
trains in tunnels
that take us to
toiling tasks like tinker toys
trudging to their terminus
can we keep
clear of calamity and
concious of creation or
will we wile awhile then
whip ourselves or
take the time
to think thoughts on
trains
while wishing
we weren’t wending our
way to work
(D. James)
short time now
shorter the days
become
longer my heart
yearns for sunlight
and warmth
can we have life
without loss
and struggle
or is this all
just a matter
of how it’s seen
(D. James)
dream #1
if I told you again
would you know then
if I laid down and died
would you hole up and cry
if I loved you forever
would you do the same
if I made you my dream
would you sleep through the night
(D. James)
reminders
flame under
black kettle
waiting for you
to come through
the door
the sound
of water
about to boil
your scent
permeates
the apartment
the water
whistles
everywhere
reminders
of you
this
is what I
came here for
(D. James)
a far goodnight
dreaming
of the nights
to come
when you will sleep
next to me
praying for solace
in a distant land
too far from home
too far from you
wishing to wake
into the dream
of finally being
there
(D. James)
four day wait
counting the days
until
we are together
this
the last time
we will be separated
seems longer
than all the others
how can twenty years
apart
seem shorter
than
the next four days?
(D. James)
glorious
talking
through static
for hours
about life
about love
the past
the future
everything
and nothing at all
of all
we could do
with the time
there is nothing
better
than this
(D. James)
hold on to it
there is a hole
where my solar plexus
should be
a missing part
of me
left behind
like something
I forgot
to pack
a piece
of my soul
resembling lack
hold on to it
I promise I’ll
be back
(D. James)
never want this to end
there seems
always a deadline
a date
in the
too near future
not wanting to board
another plane away from
you
how do we
stop Wednesday
from coming
(D. James)
limbo
another day closes
and my heart
is elsewhere
being neither
here nor there
stumbling
from sunset
to sunset
just waiting
to board
the next plane
to you
(D. James)
3500 miles
the time
between here
and there
from you to me
and back again
a journey
leading
to us
feeling
the fear
diminish
like distance
when we are
together
at last
(D. James)
small things
cup of tea
on the table
burning cigarette
in hand
remembering
a gentle touch
a particular look
a simple word
realizing
it’s the small things
that make you miss
the one you love
(D. James)
coming together
waking with
thoughts of you
longing for
next time
dreaming
of the day
when the distance
is measured
by the length
of a room
instead of
the miles
of a country
(D. James)
contradiction of terms
messy business
this thing
called
life
no straight lines
or perfect circles
unchartable
unpredictable
erratic
like a riff
beauty
between
sour notes
brief
unyielding
amazing
painful
joyous
full of love
and contradictions
it couldn’t be
any other way
so why look for
what isn’t there
(D. James)
the varying movement of time
how it is
that time
moves
at different speeds
the hours apart
seem as days
days as weeks
then
suddenly
you
in my arms
and the days
seem as hours
hours as minutes
then I am gone
lost in a calendar
of waiting
until
I see you again
(D. James)
following a path
years ago
skinny kid
thought he knew
everything
full of bravado
and half-believing
how is it
we lived
through all that
and have come
to this
desire
still tugs
at us
reaching across
the years
the miles
our lives
converging
this path set
before we walked
upon it
no idea
where it leads
only where we’ve
been
maybe
this time
we’ll get it right
(D. James)
cycles
out the kitchen window
the late afternoon light
plays like a sax solo
against the building
across the way
cloud wisps
catch pink
as the sun hits
the horizon
the azure sky
goes darker
by degrees
evening comes
stealth and still
like a beautiful lover
passionate, intense
another night
lies ahead
awaiting the dawn
(D. James)
distances
counting
the hours
between
here and there
more than
time
and greater
than mere
geography
wondering
how long
how far
before it all
comes together
(D. James)
rushing to the end
thinking
you want
what you can’t
have
and knowing
does you no
good
trying
so hard
to make
it all
work out
rushing
to the end
is not the best
plan
letting
it play out
taking
the opportunities
as they come
leaving
behind
what doesn’t
work
seemingly
a more difficult
path
but ultimately
you get there
Only to find out
there is no there
to get to
(D. James)
wanting only waits
telegraphing
overt messages
through the ether
like talking
to you through
glass
none
but you
knowing their
true meaning
I wonder
what is
to be done
or should
I simply
be more
patient
waiting for
a reply
not an answer
for now
that would
be enough
(D. James)
it’s alright when I shut up and listen …
waiting
wanting
you
just you
but this damn waiting
feeling spun out
lost
knowing you’re there
somewhere
too far
then I close
my eyes
and listen
can see
your smile
almost hear
your laugh
feel you
right here
with me
(D. James)
a dream that dreams of some day being real
standing outside
in the rain
throwing stones
against your window
waiting for you
to open the door
(D. James)
this is what it sounds like when you’re not here
all we have
are words
and I can’t find
any that fit
or don’t sound
self-serving
what’s left
is silence
maddening
deafening
unbearable
silence
(D. James)
JFK – 7 am
unfinished sentences
all these things
left unsaid
a hundred words
stale phrases
none of them
enough
talk all damn day
and I’d still
never get
to what it is
that pulls at me
makes me want to stay
should have tried
should have missed that flight
should be there with you now
should stop trying to make sense
of any of this
because all I want
is to be
where I’m not
all I want
is to be
where
I am
not
(D. James)
old flame same heat
a cold wind
comes through
like longing
how many years
before we’ll be together
my love
will death
take me
before I see
your eyes
once more
feel your skin
breathe you in
is there no
relief from this
yearning
is this to be
yet another
unfinished story
all those miles
all those years
all these trials
all these tears
don’t we deserve
a break in this life
or do we have to wait
until the next one
(D. James)
surrender #1
writing as if
tomorrow will
never come
leaving nothing
unsaid
not even sure
this is possible
if there is
more to give
you will have it
all I want
is a chance
to know
what kind of love
it takes
to give myself
to another
(D. James)
more than a thousand words and still not enough
I look
at your picture
but it’s not
enough
there’s heat
but no fire
this facsimile
flat lifeless image
I want your
breath
your scent
you
all of you
this is just
not enough
(D. James)
temporal
waiting for you
to appear
wishing contact
knowing it’s just
a matter of time
because you want
what I want
even if
it doesn’t work
right now
it will
in time
(D. James)
you could call it that … yeah
can’t eat
can’t sleep
can’t stop thinking
of you
waiting for a call
e-mail
chat
text
something
to let me know
you’re thinking
of me
when I’m thinking
of you
knowing
it’s no good
being like this
but doing it
anyway
’cause there are
no answers
only questions
so why not ask
the same one
over and over
(D. James)
what do you say?
I’m asking
I’m asking too much
but I’m asking anyway
’cause if you don’t ask
you don’t get
and I think
you want me to ask
it’s why
you found me
waiting for you
to come around again
so I could ask
so I’m asking
(D. James)
this doesn’t happen
to live
for a great love
something imagined
but never attained
a moment
in time
regained
an improbable
second chance
do you defy
the odds?
or is it all
rash insanity
fools folly
destined
to self-destruct
in the end
do we care?
not if we are driven
by our desire
think
this is our
destiny
perhaps then
we make it so
or burn in the fire
set so long ago
suddenly too close
(D. James)
unrequited love on a virtual platform
I look for you
or the virtual
approximation
of you
the pull
so strong
the emotional
distance bridged
through half-sentences
in a tiny window
we abbreviate
and emoticon
our way through
complex emotions
rooted in a past
long before
any of this technology
existed
years go by
and then suddenly
you are there again
always reconnecting
always
at the wrong time
perhaps we had
our chance
back then
and it won’t
come around again
wishing
it were any other way
won’t make it so
but I still try
(D. James)
somebody to love
wanting
someone
who gets the feeling
of all those words
in all those songs
like I do
someone fearless
who knows
the difference
between
pain and suffering
creating or courting
neither
but knowing
what it means
to feel deeply
to ache
to revel
in the glory
of being known
by another
like no other
to miss
the one you love
(D. James)
this is this
this is bad
this desire
this wanting
this is not me
this is not you
this isn’t even who we think
this is
this is some evil
this
this twist
this pain
this feeling
this ache for you
this is just a dream
this nightmare
this remembrance of you
this haunting
this stillness of still wanting
this with you
this ending that never ends because I don’t want
this to ever end never wanted
this to end always wondered why
this did end
this always ending
this
(D. James)
love at dawn
wanting
to hold someone
at the end of a long day
not just a body
but someone to love
curled up in my arms
breathing quietly
the smell of hair
and warm skin
mixed with clean sheets
someone to wake up to
come the morning light
someone
who calls me baby
in a way that means
the world to them
can’t a man want
these things
and not think
he has to hide
his feelings away
I’m just asking
(D. James)
jump in … the water’s warm
looking
for what I want
in places I will not find it
thinking
look again
it’ll be there
this time
it’ll be there
now
check now
what about now
not yet
what about now
keep looking
in the same dead place
waiting for my life to begin
when all this time
it’s been right in front of me
waiting for me to see
(D. James)
everything there is … everything
I want
to write
on the walls
spell out
all the
ideas
emotions
color
outside the lines
black pen markings
beginning in one corner
not stopping until I’ve planned out my whole fucking life
filling ten rooms with the words of my mind
the work of my soul
not stopping until it is all out of me
like some monster some wild thing
only then can I lay down to sleep
knowing when I wake it will all
still be there
but exposed out in the open
nothing to hide
(D. James)
should have been over awhile ago
here’s where
we get to that part
of the night
closer to dawn
than dusk
when the cars
rubber by
less frequently
and your
eyelids
will not
cooperate
everyone else
is long down
nothing
but the hum
of the refrigerator
to keep you company
and that last car
rolling past your window
won’t be another till dawn
best to wait for it
under the covers
if you’re lucky
it’ll go by
unnoticed
if you’re not
it won’t
(D. James)
people will tell you what you already know but won’t admit
you could see
what everyone
else does
clearly
and without
doubt
if only
you’d listen
(D. James)
confused? me too
up all night
looking
for something
that doesn’t exist
something
I don’t want
to see in me
avoiding
myself
by looking
everywhere
other than here
trying to get
out of my head
when I should
be in bed
another late
night
another wasted
morning
couldn’t I get
the same result
in another way
or another result
in the same way
it’s all the same
in the end
(D. James)
dunno
so much
I don’t
understand
used to think
I knew everything
or could
at least
fake it
now
I don’t know
is often
my answer
but I’ll make something up
if it makes you feel better
(D. James)
wanting more than the gods will allow
waiting
the night out
feeling
my way
in the dark
hoping
the morning
won’t come
this one time
keeping
the fantasy
of being with you
longer than just tonight
alive for one more hour
as light
lines
the horizon
I take
one last look
and like Eurydice
you vanish before my eyes
(D. James)
this is whatever you want it to be
wanting
to be lost
in a look
hands
on
skin
mouth
on
mouth
feel your
heat
wishing
it were
more than
this
but taking
what I can
get
(D. James)
right before
the moment
just before
the moment
almost as good
as the moment
itself
you can
hear it
tensile
stretching
anticipation
to the point
right before
all hell
breaks loose
(D. James)
night falls
evening comes
in darker
and darker
hues of blue
end of day
pink clouds
bloom red
then fade
into darkness
as night falls
upon LA
black cloth
with pinholes
of light
the city,
a brighter
reflection
of above
(D. James)
